Lost Chances
by JAGfreak
Summary: Speculation on how the 2nd eppy of the 9th season should go
1. Default Chapter

Title: Lost Chances  
  
Author: Ashlee aka JAGfreak  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: No JAG is not mine, who wants it after the season premiere anyway?!?! Geeze...why can't two adults(harm and mac of course)be just that.. ADULTS!  
  
A/N: I liked the season premier but yet I hated it. What the heck was Mr. Belisorrya$$ thinking doing that to us?!?! I mean Mac REALLY tried to talk to him and really opened up..while Harm was acting like a jerk. But on the other hand, he gave up everything for her and she wants more..its so painfully obvious he loves her but she wants and NEEDS him to say it. SO HERE ONCE AGAIN, Mac can't have who she really wants so she'll settle for someone else (Webb) and Harm thinking that that is what she really wants...will step back into the dark corner. *Screams* AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ok.*deep breath* I feel somewhat better now.  
  
ON TO THE STORY!..WHERE I'm ON TOP! Lol.  
  
JAG HQ Monday morning (Mac's POV)  
  
Well, back to life as I know it. *sigh* I'm in my office looking over some case files when I see Harm enter the bullpen....in a suit. * deep breath * I guess I wasn't quite prepared to see that..I watch him greeting people and trying to ignore the stares of those who are silently asking "Why aren't you in uniform?" He walks at a slow pace, glancing at his office.(is it still his office? Of course it is Mac.that Admiral will make him squirm for a bit, but he'll take him back...he has too..) once before looking down again.he wears a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes..and the pain I feel at knowing I'm the cause of this can't be defined.  
  
He looks up and catches my gaze...I fake a small smile. He starts heading over my way.  
  
"Hey Marine.how does it feel to be back?" his smile is forced, much like mine..and his tone has a certain sadness to it that I've never heard from him before.  
  
"Pretty Good..although ask me when I've actually got work to do and then I might have a different answer." I try wittingly.  
  
His eyes lock onto mine..and his pain is mirrored by my own.  
  
*Uncomfortable pause*  
  
I clear my throat, and avert my gaze. "You here to talk to the Admiral about getting your job back?"  
  
" More like here to beg the Admiral on bended knee so I don't wind up in unemployment." He says teasingly, but the joke falls flat with the severity of the situation.  
  
I gaze at him sadly...he looks away this time.  
  
"It'll all work out Mac...don't worry about it."  
  
Will it? I wish I knew for sure. I nod absent-mindedly and shift my gaze to the carpet.  
  
"How's Webb doing?" Harm asks nonchalantly.  
  
Please don't start Harm..just please don't go there.  
  
"He's recovering.." I inform him just as nonchalant.  
  
uncomfortable pause *  
  
"well...give him my best when you see him." there's that forced smile again...*sigh*  
  
"I'll be sure to do that..." God, I miss you Harm...  
  
Petty Officer Coates comes to the door and tells us the Admiral would like to see us. She asks why Harm isn't in uniform... I grimace.  
  
"I resigned my commission Coates.."  
  
Coates is speechless.."..but..Sir..you..why?"  
  
I look away..I can't even look at them now.  
  
"It was just something I had to do.." Harm says and I can almost bet that he's shrugging as if to simplify his actions.  
  
I look at Coates who is at a loss for words..finally I think understanding dawns on her because she looks at me and then Harm. "Oh Sir.I see." she says simply. I grimace again.he did this for me....for me..how do u think it makes me feel?  
  
"I'm not in the Navy anymore Coates.call me Harm.." he says forcing another smile.  
  
I feel like I've been slapped in the face.the finality of everything...the things said back in Paraguay...the way we didn't talk in the cab or in the airplane on the way back.....the way my heart feels like its in a million pieces.  
  
"uh.ok.Harm" she says testing out the word with a forced smile.  
  
I'm angry at this."Don't get too used to that name cause you won't be able to use it for long...he's coming back." I say a little agitatedly and more to myself than anyone else as I walk past them and through the door on my way to the Admiral's office. Harm nods at Coates and follows me.  
  
The door is open...I walk in followed by Harm and snap to attention. Harm just stands beside me; at first, I am shocked but then I remember..and the pain feels harder to bear.  
  
"At Ease" the Admiral says, looking up from his desk. I assume the position.  
  
"Colonel,C-Harm..take a seat." I close my eyes briefly and then take a seat.  
  
Harm does the same.  
  
"How are you feeling Colonel..after all that excitement I hope that you don't get bored back here." He smiles...again "forcefully"..nobody's happy and I'm sick of everyone pretending like they are. I don't have room to talk though..I'm pretending too.  
  
I nod. "It's good to be back, Sir." Again..I'm pretending.  
  
The Admiral turns to Harm.."I suppose you want your job back Harm."  
  
Wow..that was blunt.out of the blue...straight to the point...is it really that simple?  
  
"Yes Admiral..as a matter of fact I do." Harm says looking at the Admiral with a determined stare.  
  
"No can do Harm... It's not that simple."  
  
Excuse me..what????What did the Admiral just say?  
  
Harm has a surprised expression on his face.  
  
I glare at the Admiral with a look to kill.  
  
The Admiral finally says: "You resigned..therefore you are no longer staffed here and no longer in the Navy."  
  
That's it...I've had enough! What the hell is going on here???  
  
"He saved my life Sir!" I say agitatedly.  
  
"It's ok Mac.." Harm says sadly and tired sounding.  
  
"He's not a team player.." The Admiral says, madder than hell.  
  
" I wouldn't be here right now if not for him!" I try desperately.  
  
The Admiral shifts his glance to me.."Stand down Colonel!"  
  
I shut my mouth. And stare at the floor.  
  
The Admiral continues: "You'll be a civilian in 72 hours, once your resignation is processed."  
  
I try to hide the tears welling up in my eyes.I have a strong urge to tell the Admiral to go to he**.  
  
Harm nods...NODS! I can't believe he's accepting this.  
  
"Well, if that's all here...Harm you'll need to clean out your office and take your personal belongings; and Colonel you'll need to get with Sturgis for information on the case you'll be working on. Dismissed!"  
  
I get up snap to attention and walk at a fast pace out of his office, with Harm in tow. I go to my office and slam the door shut, hoping the Admiral will hear. Harm goes to his office and starts packing...I watch him through my window..he's packing up everything and leaving...he really is leaving. I cover my face in my hands and feel hot tears glide down my cheeks.  
  
I wipe them away after a few, after all a marine can't cry.and look up to watch him again. He's got a box of things and now he's standing and shutting off the light.breath marine breath..this isn't for real..the Admiral is just making Harm sweat a little bit...  
  
He shuts the door behind him and heads for the elevator. I get up...no way he's leaving without a goodbye...I walk out to meet him as he's waiting for one.  
  
I smile sadly. "You weren't gonna leave without saying goodbye now, were you fly-Harmon?" I feel like crying again as I realize he'll never fly tomcats again...never be able to be "my flyboy".  
  
He notices my slip-up and gazes at me sadly..his eyes staring into mine."I'll always be your flyboy Mac." Somehow I think he means this in more ways than one.his sympathetic words send a tear down my cheek.and he's quick to reach up and brush it away.  
  
"Hey.it's not like we'll never see eachother again, right?" he tries to sound casual.  
  
I nod emotionally..it sure feels like it..the way things have been with us lately...due to the things I said...I doubt either one of us would really feel comfortable getting together like the old times. Because things have changed...WE have changed.our RELATIONSHIP has changed.  
  
I look at him longingly and he pulls me into a hug. He whispers in my ear: "Bye Ninja girl"  
  
He then releases me and gets on the elevator that has just arrived. I watch him tearfully and whisper.."bye" as the elevator doors close.  
  
Hospital 3 days later sometime in the morning  
  
I haven't seen or heard for Harm in three days..and I miss him like crazy...nevermind that I have a car and could see him if I really wanted...the truth is I'm just afraid...and I feel so guilty...I just can't face him.  
  
I'm at the hospital right now visiting Webb.he makes me laugh.if Harm doesn't love me enough to tell me.then I'm not gonna stay single forever...I can't believe I just said that..I really do need a therapist. I'm in love with Harm..but I was right back in Paraguay..we'll never work.  
  
"What are you thinking about Sarah?" Webb asks gently.  
  
"Oh..just about everything that happened in Paraguay.." I sigh..it wasn't entirely a lie.  
  
"Yeah...I have too.I've been thinking..what if Harm hadn't come..you might have been killed..Sarah.I failed." he whispers.  
  
"No Clay, it was not your fault.there was nothing you could do." I try gently.  
  
I take his hand and squeeze it gently.  
  
*uncomfortable silence *  
  
****Harm, having the worst timing in the world...decides to approach Webb's room right at this moment..but stops when he hears this:****  
  
"I love you Sarah..marry me"  
  
I smile and laugh good naturedly. "Agent Webb.it's all these meds affecting your brain."  
  
He smiles fully. "No..Sarah, I know what I'm saying.I want to grow old with you by my side."  
  
I realize that he's serious..I take a deep breath.."Clay." just as I start to say something, he leans up and pulls me into a kiss. I let the kiss go on for a few seconds..before pulling away. I can't do this now..I have too much to think about.  
  
****Harm feels like he's been stabbed in the heart and turns to go******  
  
I smile teasingly at him. "When did you get so bold?"  
  
"When I realized life is too short and you have to follow your heart no matter what the cost." He says seriously, gazing intently at me.  
  
I let the words sink in...and I think perhaps Clay has just given me a renewed determination to do just that...follow my heart. I look away..towards the hallways where I see Harm's retreating figure. I quickly tell Clay I have to go and that I'll visit again tomorrow before kissing his forehead and rushing out after Harm.  
  
I half-walk, half-run to get to him. "Harm!" I barely yell since he's just a few feet away at this point.  
  
He stops and turns. "Hey..."  
  
"Hey..." I reply. What an intelligent conversation this has turned out to be.."umm..are you here to see Clay?" dumb question Marine.  
  
"uh.yeah..but as I could see..he was pretty busy." He says somewhat arrogantly.  
  
Ouch...that hurt.  
  
I stare at him..I'm so sick of this..so sick of feeling this way and him not returning it..so sick of feeling guilty..of feeling alone..of wanting nothing more than him to admit what we both know to be true.  
  
"Damn you, Harm" I whisper sadly.  
  
"Damn ME??" he says angrily but with emotion..."Damn you, Mac"..  
  
I stare at him longingly."Harm..I.."  
  
"I can't do this anymore Mac..I'm out." The double meaning in those two words leave me speechless.and I just watch as he turns and walks out.  
  
THE END for now Well, there you have it...my view on what COULD happen and how they would be feeling based on the previews for the upcoming eppy. Chapter 2 coming soon when I see the previews for the third eppy..lol. Oh Yeah, Please Review!!!!!! 


	2. Mac's Revelation

Title: Lost Chances  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Author: JAGfreak  
  
Disclaimer:* dodges bullets from angry shippers everywhere* Come on guys.I DON"T OWN JAG I SWEAR!!!! Blame Bellisorrya$$ for the mess it's become.  
  
A/N: I use a little of the last of the second eppy..to kind of portray what I think Mac was thinking(that was kinda confusing, lol) as she walked away from Webb's hospital room after overhearing that Harm is going to fly planes for the CIA.  
  
ENJOY~ and remember, As for as this story is concerned..I'm on top! Lol.(You got that DPB??!?!?! ))  
  
Outside of Webb's hospital room (Mac's POV)  
  
What? What did I just hear Harm say? ...*listens to Clay and Harm talk* hears a woman's voice* Who's that?...*realizes* ...Catherine Gayle...she's .she's the one who's "married" to Harm.*mouth gapes open* I can't believe it. Did she have to be so darn beautiful? It wouldn't have made me so angry if the woman he "married" wasn't so dang attractive....  
  
Pilot for the CIA? He is working for the CIA now????I try to choke back the emotions threatening to surface..he's gone ..he really is gone. I feel so alone...I don't talk to my best friend anymore, I've ruined any chance for a relationship with the only man I'll ever completely love..  
  
I'm such a fool...I can't move on,.. when I was the one who suggested it in the first place.  
  
Harm has left me, JAG, his career and everything he's grown accustomed to behind...and he's doing just fine. He'll stir things up with Webb at the CIA just like he did at JAG..become respected..be successful....have a new partner..*the thought is enough to suffocate her in her own self-pity* *tries vainly to keep her emotions under control*  
  
The truth is...I underestimated Harm. I thought that he would come back to JAG, and he would want to talk to me..want to work something out with "us". I would keep turning him down, meanwhile shoving the fact that Webb beat him to it in his face every time he would see us together..until eventually, he would just let go of everything and take the final step to make me certain...without any doubts..what he really felt for me.  
  
I realize now how selfish that assumption really was..but I can't pretend it's not what I wanted to happen.  
  
I feel so out of the loop now..they're Harm's new family..new co- workers...what does that make me?  
  
The confusion, emotion, and pain is written all over my face as I turn and start to leave the hospital.  
  
A few days Later JAG HQ Law Library (Mac's POV)  
  
(Do you miss him, Ma'am?)  
  
That question keeps repeating itself as I skim through more of Harm's files. I sneak a glance at Bud, lost in a case file across the table. What's gotten into me??? Why couldn't I just own up to the fact that I miss him?? I mean..everyone does! It's hard not to...the things that annoyed you the most about Harm are the things you find yourself missing the most..  
  
I miss the way he was always late to the meeting for assigning cases, I miss the disregard to rules he often demonstrated in court. I miss the playful and sometimes annoying banter and the way he could get under my skin. I miss his arrogance and his "can't touch this" attitude.I miss all his little pet peeves and how he had to have everything his way. I miss his vegeterian antics and the playful jabs at my food intake.*sigh* ....I do miss him...  
  
I know why I denied it though....I want to prove that I've moved on too. That I don't need his flyboy grin to get me through the day..but none of that is working...b/c I realize that before I can convince others, I need to convince myself.  
  
THE END for now Tell me what u think by reviewing please! I'd love to hear from you!!! 


	3. Author's Note and Rantings

A/N: Hey guys! I was just checking in to see what you think so far and if u have any comments on what we've seen of the new season! I for one, am very bitter and hold hostility against DPB..aka Bellisorrya$$ ..I mean I can understand not letting them get together yet..but, to bring Webb into it???And to have them not even speaking???? Or admitting that they miss the other? Relationship or no...they are SUPPOSED to be best friends! And as for Mac, Doesn't him giving up everything mean ANYTHING to her????? After all, it was all for HER!!!! Well Keep Reviewing! See ya JAGfans... 


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